What a difference two weeks makes....

Two weeks ago today I had a COMPLETE meltdown and I have been thinking about it ever since. I keep asking myself why do I do this? So here is what I think......At the time of my "meltdown" this is what our (my life) was or at least seemed to be: no job, no money, no home, no car, no friends, everything was no, nothing, without....

Allan and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this move to Hawaii was meant for us. We felt in down to our bones that this was what we were supposed to do. However, things weren't coming together like we thought they were going to. We ran out of money SUPER fast and had no jobs or money coming in to replenish what we had spent. The prospect of finding a job looked very bleak. Those of you who know me, know that I stress BIG time over stuff like this. Anyway, the Wed & Thurs before my meltdown Allan and I had fasted and prayed for guidance. We were humble. We prayed. We pondered. We questioned ourselves..did we do the right thing? So by Friday, meltdown day, things had not improved..in fact they seemed worse. I will spare you the details but let's just say it looked like we wouldn't be able to feed our family, still no job, still no money, etc. Anyway, it all got to me. I cracked. I was giving up. I lost it. BIG TIME. Like uncontrollably sobbing, shoulder shaking, nose running, tears streaming down my face uncontrollably, lost it. Allan and I were in our room, me on one side of the bed, he on the other. I remember him looking at me with the look of total disbelief on his face. Now, you know Allan is the sweetest, most patient man on the earth. He treats me like a queen. He never raises his voice at me. He just holds me when I meltdown. But I think he knew this was a different kind of meltdown. The likes of which he hasn't seen probably since Jensen died. He tried to calm my nerves. Didn't work. He tried to reason with me. Didn't work. He told me it would be ok. No way, didn't work. So, he walked over to me. Tried to hold me. Tried to calm me down. My shoulders were to shakey. I didn't want him to make it better. What the heck was I thinking? So the man who never raises his voice at me, had to. Like I was a little kid. I suppose I was acting like one, so he had to treat me like he was the parent. He told me not to give up on us. He told me he loved me. He told me it would be ok. He told me eveything would work out. He wiped the tears. He gave me a kleenex for my nose. He held me. I cannot tell you how comforting it was to be held tight in his loving arms. At that instant I knew Heavenly Father had answered my prayer once again. He blessed me with this wonderful man. My husband. My best friend. My Kalani (heaven). So, obviously, I recovered from my meltdown. The meltdown happened at about 11:30 a.m. and you know what......by 2:00 p.m. Allan found a job, a MEDICAL, job and lot's of other things that were troubling us worked itself out...or at least gave us hope that things would be ok. So, what did I learn from this.....that Heavenly Father answers prayers on HIS time not mine. I already have a testimony that He answers prayers, now I have to come to know the next stage...He does so in His time frame, not ours. So, after this meltdown and lack of faith I was feeling guilty. Why does Heavenly Father continue to bless me when I continue to disappoint Him by not having the faith to endure. I was in the car waiting for Allan one day and I noticed a book. A book, my daughter was reading. We bought it at Time Out for Women and Girls. It is written by Kim Nelson. He was one of the speakers at the conference. I opened to the page she was on...another answer to my prayer. The chapter was entitled God's Partental Affection. There it was...He blesses me because He loves me like I love my children. I never stop loving my children no matter what mistake they make, and our Father in Heaven loves us the same way. He helps our needs get met. If we ask Him, He will help us. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no. Just like me with my children. The author quotes, Luke 11:13-" If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?"

Things are good. We are together as a family. Allan and I are both working at Waimea Urgent Care. We have a home to live in, we have a car to share, our kids are happy. We are on our way to making things work. There is a dim light at the end of the tunnel. There is a rainbow in the distance. We are constantly reminded of the love our Father has for us. We see rainbows here on the Big Island weekly, and until now I never noticed how beautiful they are. Somewhere over the rainbow is where I want to be....and the good news is we are heading that way!!